About.com Gay Life

Are You Playing The Odds?

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 15:09:33 +0000

Anywhere she wanted to go, we told her. Vegas is what she chose. Not my number one choice for a birthday celebration, but my mom is too adorable to ignore, too giving to deny. So I hopped on a plane to Sin City. If you ask me, it's one big Times Square with the privilege of open container street boozing. But as they say, when in Vegas...

It wasn't about me, though. It was her weekend. She likes to gamble. Not the lose-your-home-and-savings type of coin dropping; the tease type that mostly takes a few twenties, but every once in a while rewards with a few dramatic grand.

The bells and whistles and crisp bill losing is not for me (I'd rather lose my coins at the Apple Store), but for her it's all one big gamble. Not just her slots, but life in general. You never know what might happen, she says. Sure the odds are in their favor, but every once in a while—sometimes more than not—fortune slants your way. And when it does it's worth the risk.

I stood on the sidelines in a cloud of smoke, scantily-costumed waitresses and flashing lights and thought about my life and what level of risk I normally take. A good friend once told me, "If you're going to live, live!" The great Marvin Gaye once sang: "Since we've got to be here, lets live."

I thought, how often did I just drop a coin, which could represent my guard or my ego, at the longest of odds? Very few times. Yet I always, as if entitled to it, expected a big pay off.

When it comes to dating and relationships, the hookup is still alive and easy, but the dates (or the men, I should say) of today expect a little effort to establish and grow anything significant. They expect risk and proof that all gay men aren't clich�s, sex feines, false ads or full of golden dust.

It's understandable that some of us protect our coins. When you've lost so many how can you stand to lose any more? But much of gay life is anticipation followed by frustration: the angst of coming out, followed the weight of what's next; the thrill of desiring love, trailed by difficulties finding it; the liberation of freely expressing oneself amid realities that not everyone is comfortable with who you are

Yet there are two sides to every coin and the rewards, although not always immediate, are not impossible. If mom's slot machine doesn't pay off, she waits, gives it a chance (to a limit), then takes her remainings to a machine that might treat her more kind. Then she starts anew, not weighed down by the losses of before, but with a hope that that a particular one will be the one.

After our first slot-filled night she bought dinner. As life would have it, the next tab was on me. But, despite it all, I couldn't help but notice that until our plane had left the tarmac and regardless of all outcomes she never stopped playing the game.

Image © Medioimages/Photodisc

India Repeals Section 377, Decriminalizes Gay Sex

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 13:50:11 +0000

In a bold move Thursday, the New Delhi High Court decriminalized consensual sex between gay men by repealing Section 377 of the India's Penal Code.

India Penal Code Chapter XVI, Section 377 punished "whoever voluntarily has carnal intercourse against the order of nature with any man, woman or animal." Sex between same gender individuals was considered an act against nature. Violations were punishable by a prison term of up to 10 years and possible fines.

The issuing officiate, Justice S. Muralidhar, wrote: �This Court believes that Indian Constitution reflects this value deeply ingrained in Indian society. Those perceived by the majority as deviants or �different� are not on that score excluded or ostracized. Where society can display inclusiveness and understanding, such persons can be assured of a life of dignity and nondiscrimination.�

The reversal comes just days after gay pride marches in Delhi, Kolkata, and Bangalore.

Although challenges for LGBT people in India still remain, the ruling could mark significant improvements in way queer-identified people are treated in the country.

The Huffington Post reports: "Section 377 was often used to blackmail gay couples for money or sexual favors, and posed a great hindrance to HIV/AIDS prevention initiatives, as homosexuals, who, according to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation are amongst the groups most susceptible to the disease, were afraid to seek help in fear of prosecution."

After the repeal of Section 377 India's LGBT activists celebrated with tears, raised flags, and smears of vermillion, a traditional custom marking future success and prosperity.

More on gay life in India.

Image: A gay couple kiss in their home in New Delhi, India. © Getty.

He's At Home Partying While I'm Away On Business

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 15:44:43 +0000

Dear Mona,

I live part time in New York and part time in Seattle. My partner and I have a home in Seattle and when I am in NY, I roommate with a female friend of mine. Whenever I'm at home in Seattle, I feel like all my partner and I ever do is stay in and watch TV on the couch. He wants to cuddle, etc. But when I leave town, he is everywhere... doing activities, going to movies, having happy hour with friends, going to cook-outs.

He has told me that he has issues being "alone" at home but we have two loving pets that I wish would get more attention from him. I can't help but feel like he saves all the fun time with friends when I am gone and wants to do nothing with boring me. How can I shake this feeling? I am sad enough being here alone without any real friends and family. I don't want to feel like I've been left out of all the fun back home. -Lonely in NY

Dear LiN,

You're looking at your cuddle time all wrong here, LiN, and you're being quite selfish. It sounds like you want your boo to stay at home with the pups while you're away and save up all of his party time for you upon your return. Remember, you're not the only one lonely in love. He's probably off partying and cooking-out to take his mind off of the fact that his man is never home. And my dating intuition tells me that he's always been a socialite, even before you started traveling for work. But, we know from your question that the issue isn't him having fun; it's him having fun without you... more

Image: © John Rowley/Getty

History Of The Gay Cocktail

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 20:08:45 +0000

Have you ever ordered a Cosmo on a busy bar night? Gay site Queerty dares us to ask for the queer staple and await what's bound to be a crocked look from the bartender.

Queerty says "one of the best ways to take the temperature of the gay community is to see what they're drinking." A gage of the community? Maybe not. A snapshot into the character of a person? Definitely.

Travel through time from before the Cosmo to the return of the classics with this brief history of the gay cocktail.

Personally, I'm a sucker for a good 12 or 15-year scotch. Who's buying?

Image © Stockbyte/Getty

Ireland Grants Civil Partnerships For Same-Sex Couples

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 19:18:25 +0000

Ireland passed a civil partnership bill on Friday, granting same-sex couples many of the rights of civil marriage.

"This bill provides legal protection for cohabiting couples and is an important step, particularly for same-sex couples, whose relationships have not previously been given legal recognition by the state," Justice Minister Dermot Ahern said in a statement.

Ireland's civil partnerships are an important step indeed. The primarily Catholic country just legalized divorce in 1995. The new benefits to same-sex couples include inheritance and property rights.

Where Is Gay Marriage Legal?

Image: © Dennis Flaherty/Getty

Black Prides, White Prides And The Big Gay Race Divide

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 14:00:42 +0000

"Where's the party?" I asked a friend during a Midwest visit. He asked if wanted to go to a "black bar" or "white bar" as they are commonly described. I was not surprised by his query. Dynamics within the LGBT community are a reflection of the divides in general society. After all, sexuality is only one of many self-identifiers. From school clicks in cafeterias (remember Mean Girls?) to bars and themed-parties to gay pride festivals, comfort is often found among those that are a reflection of ourselves—both inside and out.

Traditional LGBT pride events have splintered into a number of African-American focused prides (for years now I've published both traditional and Black pride calendars) and a growing number of Hispanic and Asian-American prides are emerging.

A Gay Life forum member that goes by the name of "Wizqidx" discusses his experiences in both black and white gay circles:

"Having a separate pride festival allows those individuals a place where they can converge and discuss/party without being subjected to the elements of racism. I've been in predominately white clubs where I've been ignored. Why would I go to a pride festival filled with people that don't acknowledge me? I have participated in pride festival as a volunteer, but I go to Black pride for the camaraderie."

Yet, some argue that LGBT prides are a symbol of diversity and holding separate prides defeats the purpose of the event.

"I think it's kind of silly for there to be segregation in something that's supposed to bring unity and respect," forum member Keith responds.

The issue is further complicated when we consider how identity spans beyond skin color. Naturalization, economic status, education, expression, background, and family contribute significantly to our sense of self and, in turn, to whom and what we relate. Should we all retreat to our corners of identity where we feel the strongest connection or do unified events provide opportunities to expand our understanding of one another? Let me hear your voice!

Image © Stockbyte/Getty.

Breaking The 'Down Low' Myth

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 18:14:58 +0000

"Yes, there are black women who have been infected by a man on the low," writes Kellee Terrell in an opinion piece on African-American focused news site theGrio.com.

Terrell continues, "In recent years, it's become common to blame black men having secret and unprotected sexual encounters with other men while simultaneously sleeping with their female partners for the rise in HIV among heterosexual black women. I guess if it's been on Oprah, it must be true.

Terrell provides an important perspective on the effect the media's characterization of men who have sex with men has had on the African-American community:

"Yes, AIDS is the number one killer of black women ages 24-35. But if we were to stop, put away James L. King's book and re-adjust our thinking caps, we would see that blaming this epidemic on men on the low doesn't make much sense. Especially since we don't have any proof to back it up."

The issue of men having sex with other men, unbeknown to their wives and girlfriends, captured wide spread media attention in the early 2000's after several articles on the subject were reported in major newspapers like The Los Angeles Times and The New York Times. These reports explored the perceived link between the spread of HIV to heterosexual African-American women by their down low partners.

But, as Terrell asks, are down low men to blame for the spread of HIV among heterosexual women?

Dr. Chandra L. Ford of Columbia University in New York City urges caution when assuming down low men are the primary cause of high African-American HIV infection rates:

"Part of what has happened as a result of that initial burst of stories reporting the 'down low' is that those stories often tied the down low to high rates of HIV infection among African-American women, which was not supported by epidemiological data." Ford added, "There were a lot of assumptions, there were a lot of leaps of faith that led to that."

Is the down low only an African-American issue?

In her article "Down low" myth distorts HIV research, prevention, author Anne Harding talks about Dr. Ford's research and the misconceptions that the down low is an exclusively African-American issue.

Harding writes: "The practice of straight men secretly having sex with men is seen across all ethnic groups. While black men and women have higher rates of HIV infection than other ethnic groups, they also report fewer risk behaviors, suggesting researchers should look elsewhere to understand the disparity. For example, having a bacterial sexually transmitted infection can increase the risk of both transmitting and contracting HIV, and it is possible such infections may be more common among blacks than whites due to poorer access to health care. The view of black sexuality as deviant and diseased has deep roots, Ford noted, pointing to the way the public and the medical community viewed syphilis in the early 20th century as a disease of the black community."

Kellee Terrell's opinion article provides additional insight into on men who have sex with men through the lens of a single straight African-American female. And while HIV/AIDS celebrates plus of its silver anniversary, infection rates surpass CDC projections, and the highest risks groups continue to be those with the least amount of access to health care and information, the question remains: What are we going to do about the spread of HIV?

"The DL myth is actually detrimental to HIV prevention," Terrell adds. "In hopes of understanding the why and the what, we should look at the history of racial, economic, gender and sexual oppression that render us more vulnerable. It's much easier to sit back and blame the queers who go bump in the night."

Image © Paul Simcock/Getty.

Bruno: Gay Insult or Queer Entertainment?

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 17:23:49 +0000

Documaker Michael Moore is more likely to be called conservative than comedian Sacha Baron Cohen is politically correct. Movie goers know Cohen best from his film Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, a mockumentary comedy about a fictitious Kazakh journalist navigating his way through the United States—unabashed comic relief at the country's general misguidance on Arab cultures. But, Cohen's latest character "Bruno" has a target of different ilk: homophobia. The film is a timely poke at our culture in the midst of front line LGBT rights struggles countered by beauty pageant queens.

Bruno is the story of a flamboyantly gay fashion reporter who travels to America to become a celebrity after losing his job in Austria. In Borat fashion, Cohen, as "Bruno," encounters Americans, both everyday people and political figures, in his quest to stardom. The film highlights the deeply embedded and often subtle nature of homophobia in the nation. Universal Pictures, the movie house that released the film, claims that the audience will leave feeling the positive nature of the movie. But some LGBT activists are not convinced that the message will be one of awareness.

Rashad Robinson, senior director of media programs for the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, commented to Rueters that while the intentions of the film are good, the heighten people's discomfort with the LGBT community.

Scenes showing Cohen learning how to guard himself against gays from a martial arts teacher; him appearing to have sex with a man in a tub while his adopted baby—an African child shipped in a cardboard box, it should be noted—watches; and his ignescent dress have already raised eyebrows.

Yet, it is often through extremes that we are able to identify the subtleties of homophobia and racism that live in the subconscious of our society. Often, under the guise of political correctness, thoughts and actions that are shunned from public expression are still manifested through loud eyes, sharp gestures, and targeted innuendo. And it is often by these extremes that we are able to stir the dust of homophobia and call it—along with those that perpetuate the ideal—for what it really is.

Bruno opens in the United States on July 10

Image: Actor Sacha Baron Cohen attends the premiere of the Larry Charles's film Bruno.

The Obama Administration's Gamble With Gay Rights

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 13:04:54 +0000

President Obama signed a memorandum on Wednesday that extends benefits to the same-sex partners of federal employees, sending mixed messages to gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender rights activists.

The move comes just days after his administration's Justice Department issued a brief in favor of the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act, the federal law that gives each state the right to refuse recognition of same-sex marriage licenses issued by other states. Just last month, the State Department, under Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, announced that they will begin offering gay diplomats the same benefits as their straight counterparts. Contradictory moves by departments within the administration may be the result of a lack of clear direction from the president himself.

The fresh presidential memorandum announced Wednesday may help settle the milky waters. The White House is expected to make an announcement of exactly what benefits the memorandum will grant. But to some LGBT rights activists, who feel increasingly deluded by President Obama, the relationship between gays and the administration has already been blurred.

"Extending benefits to partners of gay federal employees is terrific, but at this point he is under enormous pressure from the gay civil rights community for having promised the moon and done nothing so far," said Richard Socarides, an adviser to the Clinton administration on gay issues.

President Obama wooed LGBT voters during his campaign with promises of an administrative focus on equality for all citizens, calling for the repeal of discriminatory laws such as DOMA and the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Many believed these changes would come during Pres. Obama's first one hundred days in office, but Mr. Obama's stance on gay issues has been indecisive at best.

President Obama has stated that he supports equal rights, but opposes gay marriage the a federal level. DOMA remains in action, reinforced by the Department of Justice brief, and don't ask, don't tell has become a waning priority for the Oval Office. To the contrary, diplomats and federal employees now enjoy the same benefits as their heterosexual peers. A bubbling impatience grows among LGBT activists.

Some heavy Democratic donors have already begun distancing themselves from the administration, boycotting a DNC fundraiser next Thursday, June 25th. However, others, like Democratic National Convention treasurer Andrew Tobias aren't so quick to throw the president under the rainbow.

"If this debacle of a brief represented the president's views, I'd boycott too. I personally totally believe in the president," Tobias stated in an email.

A seismic backlash from LGBT supporters may be exactly what President Obama needs to focus his attention on equal rights. The issue is his most delicate balancing act to date�the byproduct of promising change to everyone, including those on opposite sides of an issue. Eventually, a position must be stated. What remains is to be seen is which side of the rainbow his national policy will fall.

Image © Getty.

The Non-Boyfriend Boyfriend

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 20:03:18 +0000

We've all met him. He's cute, smart, funny with a smile or a smell or a groove or an anything that makes you crazy. He seems to dig on you, too. So much so that you go to movies and parties and the park together. You're each others' instant plus ones whenever the occasion arises. He knows your Netflix queue, you've learned the lyrics to his favorite song. All of your free time is his and his yours.

It's just you and him unless you're traveling to an event together. His friends like you. Your friends frequently ask to be filled in on the status of your relationship. But, alas, there is nothing to report. Is it a platonic friendship, which can exist even when intimacy is involved? Are you best friends forever? Is he the romantic possibility you've been waiting for? Or, is it too soon to tell?

This non-boyfriend boyfriend can yield some very good times, but is he in the best interest of your love life?

That all depends on what you're hoping to get out the situation. If you can see yourself being with this person romantically, especially since the friends-first test is holding true, then let the relationship, in its loose definition, ride.

It's not uncommon for us gays to possess a warped sense of time when it comes to love and relationships. Weeks feel like months and years like lifetimes. So, the temptation to control any impending rejection, if any, by asking where you stand in the friendship is great. After all, you're getting along, why can't you make it official? But, pump the breaks.

In situations like these, you may want to take a step back from the labels and just enjoy the ride. There have been many of lovers made out of the greatest of friends. Set your own personal limits and expectations, though. You don't want to find yourself madly in like while he's madly distracted. Manage the possibility of this one-sided scenario by keeping time open to yourself—exploring the people and activities in your own life. You can do this and still cherish your time with him. Focus on the good times you have together instead of ringing wedding bells in the ceremony of the unknown. Eventually time will play its' tune and you'll know if it's a love song or just a shared favorite between good friends.

Image © Michelangelo Gratton/Getty.